Cracking of Hearts
by raggedymangoodbye
Summary: How someone could live on without that one thing, where knowing the only thing is moving you on is living a life they couldn't even get to.


**Cracking of Hearts**

_I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."_

_But I don't care,_

_I'm not scared of love._

_'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker._

_Is that so wrong?_

_Is it so wrong_

_That you make me strong?_

Crimson eyes shone with worry, he didn't like it. Leaving him alone, leaving his Time lord alone like this. It.. It wasn't possible. "Damn it." That damned Time lord, didn't he tell the stupid idiot that he wouldn't let him go. No he wasn't going to feel his heart crack again, not again.

Clever's POV

"Fu…" Something inside me felt like it was going to die, if that idiot wanted to feel sorry for himself and then try this once again, I was determined to strangle him myself. I felt a sense of being lost without him, it was a strange feeling and one I didn't want to know about, not with the rage that was filling me right now. I remembered this day all too well, everything just died. I opened the door to see a mess, he was so used to lying that I always had to glare at the man before he sighed and told me the truth.

Didn't he think that I could handle the truth? I was hurting inside, I knew his secrets and oh I knew everything just about. That was the problem with being me; I had memories of all his lives. But it didn't make way for this; he was there, lifeless body in a tangled mess of blood and sheets.

I didn't know how long I stood in the doorway staring at his body, wondering how he had managed to kill himself because the world didn't agree with him anymore, when I felt tears.. Was I crying? As it turned out I was and I couldn't stop the tears running down my face either, something felt like I was stuck in quicksand as I felt my knees drop to the floor. All that was going through my head was why would you lie to me that you were doing better. I wanted to help in any way possible but I was too late to be there for him.

I keep those memories of the two of us, those happy times when he used to smile at me and tell me how I made his day. When the last thing I did wasn't a good excuse for not having lazy days where we would do nothing but stay in bed, it was a time I wished would keep going.

If he never did this.

My hands balled up into fists as I punched the floor as hard as I could, nothing in the world would bring that son of a bitch back to me now. He was gone and only my heart would carry his memories, at the time I didn't even want to continue all I wanted to do was roll into a ball and pretend nothing happened that when I wake up there he would be smiling at me and calling me to get my lazy bum out of bed. But it wasn't to be, those soft turquoise eyes lifeless as his body, where ever he was I hoped that he'd be happy now that he didn't have to feel the pain anymore.

Slowly after what seemed like hours, I crawled into my own bed. Not even caring if I hadn't had food. I would live, I knew I would, I didn't really have to live on food as much as it tasted nice.

I couldn't sleep for long, when I didn't I stared up at the ceiling wishing. When I fell asleep again I don't know but I remember waking up the next day remembering what happened, I didn't move all day. Not for anyone. I didn't for a couple of days except to eat and drink and release myself. It was the Friday when she came in, opening the door like she owned the place. Which she didn't. Clara Oswald, teacher. Annoying as fuck. We did not get a long, I only tolerated her because she was a friend of my boyfriends, and he had told me so many times that I should try to make friends so he wouldn't have to deal with the bickering we did. I was in the kitchen at the time when she looked round after hearing the news from a friend of hers that Eleven as he liked to be called as was dead, died from killing himself. They were the next door neighbour, I didn't like them either. Too overly friendly and seemed like a pushover.

The neighbours we had were always nosey, I didn't like it. One even had the guts to call me a fag when he realized that I was gay, he soon learned his lesson on what to call people after he gave him a broken arm and a lecture about would he like to smoke himself if he was a fag, the look of utter horror and disgust made me feel better about myself.

She walked up to me with that face that said he can't possibly be dead and told her that if he wasn't would we be in this mess, he died once before but that was with help and not dying this time it was real, I checked. I wasn't about to be sucked into a prank. Sitting down next to me she then asked me questions, questions I would have rather forgotten and mumbled coherently half the time because I was in no mood to argue with her because she thought he was joking around or might come back later.

"Shut up already." I grumbled at her with a hot cup of coffee in my hand, trying to desperately not lose my top just over her. It wasn't like I tried, I did but somehow we had a bad connection with each other, she always assumed I was up to something and I had given up caring. All I wanted right then was Eleven back and to calm this overblown mess out, but he couldn't he had caused this mess by dying on us.

She stopped and looked at me, properly and I looked back at her. I could tell she was trying not to cry over her friend's death and I could understand, I did what I probably wouldn't have done in if this didn't happen and muttered in a soft voice "You're not alone in this." Her look of confusion and I sighed. "What do you mean?" She asked me almost trying to will herself not to cry in front of me of all people. Sighing once more I set the cup down on the table and looked at her. "You're not alone in the suffering, you can cry it out." I was shot a look that made me think I would laugh at her. "I promise not to laugh Clara, but you can't deal with it on your own. Even if it's not me promise me that you'll talk to someone for his sake. I don't think he'd want us to be upset for the rest of our lives." I told her, a genuine smile on my face. I never talked to anyone about my problems but him. Maybe it was some deities way saying I should open up to people more.

From what I told her seemed to sink in and the tears came, too hung over the fact that the Doctor was dead I wrapped my arms round her, rubbing her back as I felt my right shoulder grow wet. I didn't care right now I was hoping that she'd stop bottling things in with me just because of what I am, I'd accepted I was an ass but it seemed Clara wouldn't see past my jerk façade. After a couple of hours with me holding her and her crying, she stopped and pulled away she smiled at me, seemingly happier and muttered a thanks. I just smiled back, I didn't want to put her mood to sour again.

We sat in silence for a while and she left with goodbyes. Soon after nearly every day consisted of her coming over, we didn't necessarily talk about him, we talked about everything. Though we still didn't get on great we did at least manage to be friendly, sometimes she would remember something about him and start crying and all I could do was comfort her and distract her, even by challenging her to game just to keep her occupied from what was happening. Months went by, the body had been gone the day after clara first came.

Taken to be buried respectfully by River song. We didn't say any words to each other, but we knew what we felt, neither of us had to say a thing.

As soon as the pizza arrived on the Sunday, the day before the funeral the pizza man came, I gave him a tip and told him to get lost after his awkward stance at dawdling on my front door. I closed the door to head back to the living room I heard a soft sound, smiling at the sight in front of me. She looked adorable and after the arguments we got into in the past month about what we were going to do and her moaning about sleep, it seemed to work out.

I put the pizza on the table in front of the TV and wrapped a blanket I kept on the sofa around her and decided to make myself a hot chocolate. It was mid-October and I realized that we should go out for Halloween, of course not until Halloween night but it seemed like something to keep us busy.

But for now we were happy, getting through it. We still had a way to go but her and me, we'd become good friends and as I decided to watch a horror movie eat pizza and drink the delicious hot chocolate, I went to bed putting her in the spare bedroom while I slept in the room me and the Doctor used to sleep in.

We'd get by eventually, I knew we would and whatever choice she makes would be her decision.


End file.
